Before we get to today’s article, I just want to mention that am writing from the perspective of a man that has experienced many of the challenges of which I write…. and those spiritual battles continue daily. The articles are implications of what it means to obey the commandment to raise your children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. They require some reflection and are particularly for Christians who, as Peter would say, are diligently seeking to confirm their calling and are making every effort to supplement their faith. Said more succinctly, serious Christians. If you know other believers who desire to walk more faithfully with the Lord, please forward an article to them and tell them to sign up for future articles. Thanks so much!
So, May 1 marks eight months into starting this ministry that encourages parents and churches to place a greater focus on obeying no, even cherishing, the great commandment from Ephesians 6:4 which commands us to raise our children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
You may be wondering if I am running out of ideas for the articles that I write- don’t worry, I have made notes on about 150 additional articles that I have yet to get to! My weekly challenge is to decide which article to write, and I usually try to stick with a theme of some sort over a number of weeks. The recent articles have taken us through the Bible to find specific verses that God has given us about parenting. I have learned a lot through the process of searching the Bible and thinking deeply about what it means for parents, and I am more certain than ever that Christians need to be more mindful of the commandments and more diligent in the effort to honor God through their obedience.
However, another urgent matter also has become more manifest than before and it is the training of parents that must take place before they in turn, can teach their children the things of God. And this is really the root of the problem. In God’s plan for His people, the parents are to be holy, and as they are holy and wholly to the Lord, they teach their children God’s truth out of the abundance of Christ in their own hearts. This does not mean that a child taught poorly by his parents will not become a Christian or that a child with unbelieving parents will never become a Christian. No, God in His amazing mercy and grace does save children in their adult years despite them having nothing in the way of spiritual training. Praise God! But that is not the normal way that God works. He works as we have seen in the scriptures, generationally through parents as they teach their children.
So why do we not see more young people with a vibrant faith for the Lord? Well, part of it is weak Christian parenting from parents that have a weak faith. But part of it is from stronger Christian parents, well-meaning Christian parents, that love the Lord, but don’t realize that what they do in front of their children every day, is training their children to be ungodly. These ungodly things are not sins that will show up the next day, but later in life when the child who has been observing it for years, has the opportunity to put it into practice in their own adult life. If you doubt that this is true, just look at your parents and compare how they handle life with how you handle life. You will see many similarities that didn’t happen by change; they were learned.
Hence the theme for the next few articles: the observed behavior of the parents will likely become the adult behavior of the child. This week we will take a look at the arguing parents.
Do you argue with your spouse within earshot or view of the kids? Do they witness the back and forth volleys of words? Maybe you say, no I don’t argue, I just discuss with a slightly raised voice. I am here to tell you that any sternness in your voice or talking back and forth with a tone or level that is different from your normal speech is likely perceived by your child as yelling. And for those of you who are willing to admit that you are yelling at your spouse, I have heard it said, “the arguing doesn’t mean anything negative, it’s just the way we are.” It may be the way you are, but that is exactly the problem. Additionally, for those who say, “well, that’s just me,” accompanied by a smile that seemingly communicates that you have some sort of imbedded, immovable, acceptable trait, I say that you are denying that God has the power to bring change into your life. It’s time to break from this generational transfer of sinful actions!
So, let’s see what the Lord has to say about this behavior. There are so many scripture references that we could look at to get our instruction from the Lord, but we’ll have to limit it to just a few. Let’s start with Ephesians 4:17-32:
Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. But that is not the way you learned Christ!— assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.
Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger and give no opportunity to the devil. Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
There is so much here that crushes any possibility that parents arguing is somehow acceptable to the Lord. We need to read it again so the conviction grips our hearts.
But then it gets worse. Let’s look at Jesus’ words in Matt. 5:21-26 “You have heard that it was said to those of old, You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.
Here, Jesus equates anger with murder. Anger is not a literal murder, but the anger that arises in the hearts of two people arguing is the fruit of those who are engaged in a verbal beatdown. The words are the arrows we sling, and our volume magnifies their size and effect. This type of “discussion” is what you are modeling for your children and will likely be the way they deal with their spouse one day in the future. You have taught your child how to hate their spouse.
What is really happening here? Jesus tells us that it is out of the heart that our words proceed. So, if we follow that path, we will find that an angry heart is a heart that is prideful and ungracious. Prideful because we don’t want to lose the argument and ungracious because we usually don’t want to confess our anger and extend forgiveness to the other person.
When we find ourselves arguing in front of the children, what should we do?
- Stop and regroup with your spouse in private. As a general parenting rule, never allow your children to see or hear that you disagree. Parents always have to put forth a united front in their parenting. Modeling that the parents are unified also has other benefits that will be discussed in a future article.
- Confess your sin to your spouse and ask for forgiveness. Do not let the sun go down on your anger.
- Confess your blunder to the kids. Is it good for them to know that their parents are sinners who need a Savior? Yes! Confessing your sin and asking forgiveness from your spouse is one of the greatest examples of the gospel in action. This also sets the stage for how you and your children ask for forgiveness from each other. Again, because our hearts are full of pride, asking for forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do, but it is also one of the most powerful.
And that raises just one more question about arguing. When you argue with your children (not your spouse) and realize that you are angry and have been yelling, do you ask forgiveness for your anger from your child? Or do you demand that your child ask forgiveness for their anger, yelling, and disobedience, and when they do, you grant forgiveness to them but say nothing of your own sin?
These are the everyday family situations where Christianity either becomes real and attractive to your children, or it is seen as hypocritical and ugly. This is part of raising your children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4).
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Last modified: May 5, 2023